She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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