If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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