Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
