i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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