Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
