I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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