me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
