He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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