quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
