My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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