Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
