Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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