after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
