Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
