he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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