So drunk its hurt
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Two words: nipple clamps
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