can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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