no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
