i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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