Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
