Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Im part way to drunk.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
