Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
