Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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