fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
