WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
