Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
