I think I won the penis lottery.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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