like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
