I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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