just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
