I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
