so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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