"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
