I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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