I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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