i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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