Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
His nipple licking is glorious
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