So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
