I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.