I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
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you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.