Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it