She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
