Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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