If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
