I heard we made out
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
