can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
