So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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