Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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