so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
