put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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