God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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