My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable