Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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