Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.