Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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