Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
