I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
