shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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