i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
