My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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