You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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